Common objections

Perhaps you hadn't realized that you even could be bourgeois. Maybe you don't feel rich quite yet. Or maybe you even feel like you're not good enough to summer anywhere.

Don't worry about it too much! All new members of the owning class are likely to have reservations. (At restaurants. Months in advance. Under a friend's name.) Here are some frequent newbie objections you may have:

But I don’t feel bourgeois!

That’s OK, and it doesn’t change the fact that you could be bourgeois inside. Lots of the bourgeoisie don’t feel bourgeois either. Many of them describe themselves as “basically middle class” while owning four rental properties and a boat they call “the little boat.” Feeling it isn’t required. Owning it is.

But just because I want to own the means of production doesn’t mean I actually can!

As a fundamental truth, we hold that class is always self-identified. (It isn't. It is determined by your relationship to the means of production. We just thought that sentence would look nice here.) Still, if there’s any part of you that wants to own a factory, sit with that feeling a while and learn what it’s trying to tell you. It’s probably trying to tell you that you are tired.

But I’m too old to be bourgeois!

Nobody’s too old to inherit. People at the ages of 8, 28, and 80 have come into money and gone on to live successful, fulfilling lives of leisure. The best time to buy a house would have been 1985. The second best time is also 1985.

But nobody will ever see me as bourgeois! I’ll never pass!

Looking like the bourgeoisie according to society's standards is a skill you can learn and practice. Start small: a quarter-zip. Using “summer” as a verb. Calling a $2.4 million house “cozy.” Saying “I’m not really a money person” while wearing a watch that costs more than a car. Until you get the hang of it, focus on yourself! That part comes naturally to the class.

But I don’t have the right to be bourgeois!

Everyone has the right to live off the surplus value generated by other people's labor. Well. Not everyone. Mathematically it doesn’t really work if everyone does it. That’s kind of the whole thing, actually.

I don’t know if I want to be bourgeois or if I just don’t want to work anymore!

That’s totally valid. Maybe you’re not drawn toward yachts so much as you’re drawn away from your 7am standup.

You don’t have to have all the answers yet. If you find yourself alienated from your labor but not necessarily attracted to capital, you might not want to be bourgeois at all. You might just want a union. That’s totally okay! This particular page centers the experiences of aspiring robber barons, but you’re valid no matter how you organize.

This is so stupid! What difference could a game on a website make?

You’re right. We can’t magically alter your bank balance over the Internet. But that’s not the point.

Think about it this way: if you were secure in your class position, you’d be completely immune to all of this. You’d read this page, laugh, and go back to your family office. But if this sticks in your mind, sit with that feeling a little. Then maybe check what your rent went up by this year.

But I’m not sure if I want to be bourgeois or if I’m just envious!

What’s the difference? Envy is the entire business model. There is a whole industry called “aspirational marketing” that exists to make sure you feel exactly this way at roughly 4-minute intervals.

But being bourgeois is a trend!

If it is a trend, it’s a very old one. The bourgeoisie have existed since the medieval market towns, and enjoyed a big promotion around 1789. Things went great for them after that, apart from all the times they didn’t.

But I never showed any signs during childhood!

Did you ever run a lemonade stand and pay your little brother in “exposure”? Did you trade a friend a holographic card for three regular ones and feel nothing? It’s extraordinarily common for signs to be present but hidden until some hindsight. If you're a late bloomer, don't worry. Compound interest doesn’t care when you start. (It does, actually. It cares a lot. Sorry.)

But I don’t want to exploit anyone!

Then don’t! Nobody’s saying you have to. It’s just that... that’s sort of the job description. You may want to look into one of our alternate versions above. We hear the proletariat has nothing to lose but its chains, and great solidarity potlucks.

But I don’t want to lose everything when the revolution comes!

Many members of the bourgeoisie worry about this. There is some historical legitimacy behind this concern.

Underscoring all of this is the fact that your needs are what’s most important. (This is, in fact, the core bourgeois value. You’re catching on!)

But I still feel weird about this and have no one to talk to!

It’s totally normal to have questions. One of the best ways to understand what life in the owning class is like is to sit back and read a lot of books about it. We’ve linked a few below. Some of them are very long. One of them has a beard on the cover, figuratively.

Links to more resources

On being bourgeois

Bourgeoisie, Wikipedia. A gentle introduction.
Means of Production. Know what you're aspiring to own.
Surplus Value. The secret ingredient!
The Communist Manifesto. A short pamphlet that discusses the bourgeoisie at length. Very accurate results when read earnestly.

On “class dysphoria”

Class dysphoria is a dim, deeply felt sense that something is wrong, usually experienced on the 1st of the month when rent is due. Some people experience it as anxiety about money. Others experience it as a strong opinion about wine they cannot afford. We stress that you don't need to be rich to want to live as the bourgeoisie, which is fortunate, because it is much more common than being rich.

☝ Becoming bourgeois will not necessarily fix all of your problems. It mostly fixes the ones that are money. However, it is also worth noticing that most of your problems might be money.

If you need someone to talk to right now

Your accountant. They will not call the IRS unless you ask them to.

You could totally be bourgeois if you wanted.